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10 rules for dating as a single parent

Experts break down how to know if you're ready, how to meet right person

10 rules for dating as a single parent

Experts break down how to know if you're ready, how to meet right person

Advertisement
10 rules for dating as a single parent

Experts break down how to know if you're ready, how to meet right person

Diving back into the dating world as a single parent can feel daunting 鈥� especially if you鈥檝e been out of the dating scene for a while. It鈥檚 common to worry about things like rejection, how your kids will react to a new partner or whether you鈥檙e even ready to have someone new come into your family鈥檚 life. Deb Laino, DHS, a Delaware-based relationship therapist and certified sex educator, says questions like, "What do I do with my kids?" "When do I introduce my kids?" and "Do I want to be in a relationship again?" are totally normal, too. Because of this, "the idea of 鈥榞etting back in the game鈥� can be tough,鈥� says Dr. Les Parrott, psychologist and founder of BetterLove.com. 鈥淚f that means taking your time, so be it. If that means getting some counseling or coaching first, do it. The toughest part is simply starting.鈥漇o when is the right time to start? Ahead, Laino, Parrott and more experts answer this, plus nine more tips that will help you date again as the awesome single parent that you are: 1. Wait a year.Your best bet 鈥� for yourself and for your children 鈥� is waiting a calendar year after the end of your previous relationship to re-enter the dating scene. 鈥淎fter divorce, people can feel a little lost,鈥� says Laino. By getting involved in things that interest you, you鈥檙e enabling yourself to find things that bring you joy on your own time. And who knows? You might even meet someone who shares those same interests. 2. Confront your own issues. Especially if you鈥檙e coming out of an unhealthy relationship, it's important to unpack what went wrong, how it may have affected you and even how you may have contributed to the problem, says Laino. Otherwise, you鈥檒l just carry those issues with you into your next relationship, and it鈥檒l likely cause the same tension and stress. So if you struggled with communication in your past relationship, take your year off dating to work on connecting with others and vocalizing what's on your mind. If body image is an underlying issue for you, take steps to improve your own feelings of self-worth. It's also not a bad idea to bring a therapist on board, especially if you struggle with self-reflection, says Laino.3. Let go of guilt.When you first start dating as a single parent, you may wonder how your children will feel about you spending time with someone new or not being home as much. These feelings are all normal, but you can't let them hold you back.鈥淵ou'll probably have some inner conflict 鈥� a desire to date and begin a new life with someone while simultaneously feeling some guilt or worry about the effects of dating on the children,鈥� says Dr. Paul Coleman, a psychologist and author of "Finding Peace When Your Heart Is in Pieces."鈥淭he mistake is ping-ponging between those emotions as you try to justify dating on the one hand, while worrying or feeling guilty on the other.鈥滺ow to avoid ping-ponging: Accept that your family life will, at times, be disrupted when you begin to date. That鈥檚 not necessarily a bad thing, especially if a positive addition is coming into your life.4. Know what you want.Before you even start meeting up with people, decide what exactly it is you鈥檙e looking for in a new partner. Start with what matters most to you 鈥� your values, for example, says Parrott. Then write them down. 鈥淢ake a list of deal-makers and deal-breakers,鈥� says Parrott. 鈥淭en each. It may sound silly, but it works because you can then tell right away if a person is worth pursuing. Don鈥檛 rely on your feelings alone.鈥漁ne thing that should definitely make the list? Tolerance. 鈥淭hey need to have a higher level of patience because sometimes it takes that when you have kids,鈥� says Laino.5. Give online dating a chance.As a single parent, odds are you鈥檙e spending most of your free time running the kids to basketball practices and recitals 鈥� not hitting up the local bar. That鈥檚 why online dating could be a great place to start as you re-emerge into the dating world. The first thing to know: 鈥淐hoose a reputable dating site, and don鈥檛 be afraid to pay for it,鈥� says Parrott. Match.com and eHarmony are typically good bets for finding a real relationship 鈥� especially since they鈥檙e active with single parents, says Laino. Popular apps like Bumble and Hinge have become more common for dating, too. Once you've signed up, fill out the basics in your profile, upload a few recent pictures and ask a friend to review it and give you constructive feedback, says Parrott. Once you get the green light, start looking for matches, and do so regularly.鈥淭hat means checking in at least every couple of days to see what kind of people are reaching out,鈥� says Parrot. And if you do find someone worth meeting? Do so publicly, and always let a friend know what you鈥檙e doing, just in case. 6. Be transparent with your kids.The anxiety of how your kids will react to you dating again is very real. But once again, it鈥檚 important to not let that fear cripple you from ever leaving the house without them. 鈥淜eep the communication channels open,鈥� says Parrott. 鈥淭hat means chatting with your kids (at the appropriate age level) to let them know what you're doing. Don鈥檛 keep it a secret for fear they will feel weird about it. Allow them to talk about their feelings.鈥滻t鈥檚 also a good idea, especially if your kids are young, to explain to them what exactly dating is. Tell them that as adults, it's normal to meet someone and become friends for a while. Sometimes it works out, other times it doesn鈥檛, and it鈥檚 not a bad thing either way. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 really important, just in case it doesn鈥檛 work out,鈥� says Laino.7. Be upfront that you're a parent. You don't have to share your whole life story on the first date, but when it comes to you being a mom or dad, the earlier you let your date know, the better. Laino brings up a good point: 鈥淲hat if you鈥檙e on a date and you have to leave because something happened to your kid?鈥� she says. If you do need to take a call or cut the night short, know that as a single mom or dad 鈥� especially if you鈥檙e dating someone who doesn鈥檛 have kids 鈥� it鈥檚 completely OK to put your children first. The right new partner will completely respect that fact and be happy to be involved with your children, as well, says Coleman. 8. Be thoughtful about introducing someone to your kids.You want to make sure everyone is ready, and this starts with your kids. 鈥淥nce the two of you are getting serious, your kids will know and, ideally, they鈥檒l ask to meet your partner,鈥� says Parrott. 鈥淚f they don鈥檛, hint about the idea and make it a mutual decision with you and your children.鈥漈he same goes for your partner. 鈥淲ait until it seems like the relationship is on solid footing, that a commitment is desired, that there is genuine love,鈥� says Coleman. 鈥淥therwise, you run the risk of the kids growing attached to someone who eventually leaves because the relationship was not strong enough to begin with.鈥�9. Name any challenges up front. Once you plan to introduce a new partner to your kids, be honest about your children鈥檚 habits and personalities. 鈥淚f there are any problems brewing (acting out, poor school performance, and so on), state them clearly,鈥� says Coleman. After all, if this person becomes a more permanent fixture in your and your children鈥檚 lives, they鈥檒l take on an authoritative role with your children, which means you both need to be on the same page about the struggles the children are facing and how you as their parent choose to discipline them. That way, the new partner can follow those boundaries.10. Never, ever settle!One more time in case you were distracted: DON'T SETTLE. 鈥淵ou're not less desirable because you are older or have children,鈥� says Coleman. 鈥淎 mature person won鈥檛 let those things interfere with really getting to know you and perhaps fall in love.鈥漈his starts on date one with a potential new partner. Remember those behaviors you would let roll off your back when dating as a 20-something, like a date picking you up late or constantly checking their phone at the dinner table? Those shouldn鈥檛 fly as a single parent.鈥淚f somebody doesn鈥檛 respect you, I think that鈥檚 an absolute big red flag, and it鈥檚 likely not going to change,鈥� says Laino. Look for things early on that signal disrespect, like showing up late, telling you how to parent your kids or not listening to you while you speak. Bottom line: Like dating during any other part of your life, dating as a single parent will have its ups and downs. When you do meet someone great, it still won鈥檛 be perfect 鈥� and that鈥檚 OK. 鈥淚t typically takes a long time for kids to get in sync with you and a new partner,鈥� says Parrott. The road might feel bumpy at first, but once you do find balance, it will absolutely feel worth it 鈥� for both you and your family.

Diving back into the dating world as a single parent can feel daunting 鈥� especially if you鈥檝e been out of the dating scene for a while. It鈥檚 common to worry about things like rejection, how your kids will react to a new partner or whether you鈥檙e even ready to have someone new come into your family鈥檚 life.

Deb Laino, DHS, a Delaware-based , says questions like, "What do I do with my kids?" "When do I introduce my kids?" and "Do I want to be in a relationship again?" are totally normal, too.

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Because of this, "the idea of 鈥榞etting back in the game鈥� can be tough,鈥� says , psychologist and founder of . 鈥淚f that means taking your time, so be it. If that means getting some counseling or coaching first, do it. The toughest part is simply starting.鈥�

So when is the right time to start? Ahead, Laino, Parrott and more experts answer this, plus nine more tips that will help you date again as the awesome single parent that you are:

1. Wait a year.

Your best bet 鈥� for yourself and for your children 鈥� is waiting a calendar year after the end of your previous relationship to .

鈥淎fter divorce, people can feel a little lost,鈥� says Laino. By getting involved in things that interest you, you鈥檙e enabling yourself to find things that bring you joy on your own time. And who knows? You might even meet someone who shares those same interests.

2. Confront your own issues.

Especially if you鈥檙e coming out of an , it's important to unpack what went wrong, how it may have affected you and even how you may have contributed to the problem, says Laino. Otherwise, you鈥檒l just carry those issues with you into your next relationship, and it鈥檒l likely cause the same tension and stress.

So if you struggled with communication in your past relationship, take your year off dating to work on connecting with others and vocalizing what's on your mind. If body image is an underlying issue for you, take steps to improve your own feelings of self-worth. It's also not a bad idea to bring a therapist on board, especially if you struggle with self-reflection, says Laino.

3. Let go of guilt.

When you first start dating as a single parent, you may wonder how your children will feel about you spending time with someone new or not being home as much. These feelings are all normal, but you can't let them hold you back.

鈥淵ou'll probably have some inner conflict 鈥� a desire to date and begin a new life with someone while simultaneously feeling some guilt or worry about the effects of dating on the children,鈥� says , a psychologist and author of "Finding Peace When Your Heart Is in Pieces."

鈥淭he mistake is ping-ponging between those emotions as you try to justify dating on the one hand, while worrying or feeling guilty on the other.鈥�

Accept that your family life will, at times, be disrupted when you begin to date.

How to avoid ping-ponging: Accept that your family life will, at times, be disrupted when you begin to date. That鈥檚 not necessarily a bad thing, especially if a positive addition is coming into your life.

4. Know what you want.

Before you even start meeting up with people, decide what exactly it is you鈥檙e looking for in a new partner. Start with what matters most to you 鈥� your values, for example, says Parrott. Then write them down.

鈥淢ake a list of deal-makers and deal-breakers,鈥� says Parrott. 鈥淭en each. It may sound silly, but it works because you can then tell right away if a person is worth pursuing. Don鈥檛 rely on your feelings alone.鈥�

One thing that should definitely make the list? Tolerance. 鈥淭hey need to have a higher level of patience because sometimes it takes that when you have kids,鈥� says Laino.

5. Give online dating a chance.

As a single parent, odds are you鈥檙e spending most of your free time running the kids to basketball practices and recitals 鈥� not hitting up the local bar. That鈥檚 why online dating could be a great place to start as you re-emerge into the dating world.

The first thing to know: 鈥淐hoose a reputable dating site, and don鈥檛 be afraid to pay for it,鈥� says Parrott. and are typically good bets for finding a real relationship 鈥� especially since they鈥檙e active with single parents, says Laino. Popular apps like and have become more common for dating, too.

Once you've signed up, fill out the basics in your profile, upload a few recent pictures and ask a friend to review it and give you constructive feedback, says Parrott. Once you get the green light, start looking for matches, and do so regularly.

鈥淭hat means checking in at least every couple of days to see what kind of people are reaching out,鈥� says Parrot.

And if you do find someone worth meeting? Do so publicly, and always let a friend know what you鈥檙e doing, just in case.

6. Be transparent with your kids.

The anxiety of how your kids will react to you dating again is very real. But once again, it鈥檚 important to not let that fear cripple you from ever leaving the house without them.

鈥淜eep the communication channels open,鈥� says Parrott. 鈥淭hat means chatting with your kids (at the appropriate age level) to let them know what you're doing. Don鈥檛 keep it a secret for fear they will feel weird about it. Allow them to talk about their feelings.鈥�

It鈥檚 also a good idea, especially if your kids are young, to explain to them what exactly dating is. Tell them that as adults, it's normal to meet someone and become friends for a while. Sometimes it works out, other times it doesn鈥檛, and it鈥檚 not a bad thing either way.

鈥淭hat鈥檚 really important, just in case it doesn鈥檛 work out,鈥� says Laino.

7. Be upfront that you're a parent.

You don't have to share your whole life story on the first date, but when it comes to you being a mom or dad, the earlier you let your date know, the better. Laino brings up a good point: 鈥淲hat if you鈥檙e on a date and you have to leave because something happened to your kid?鈥� she says.

If you do need to take a call or cut the night short, know that as a single mom or dad 鈥� especially if you鈥檙e dating someone who doesn鈥檛 have kids 鈥� it鈥檚 completely OK to put your children first. The right new partner will completely respect that fact and be happy to be involved with your children, as well, says Coleman.

8. Be thoughtful about introducing someone to your kids.

You want to make sure everyone is ready, and this starts with your kids. 鈥淥nce the two of you are getting serious, your kids will know and, ideally, they鈥檒l ask to meet your partner,鈥� says Parrott. 鈥淚f they don鈥檛, hint about the idea and make it a mutual decision with you and your children.鈥�

The same goes for your partner. 鈥淲ait until it seems like the relationship is on solid footing, that a commitment is desired, that there is genuine love,鈥� says Coleman. 鈥淥therwise, you run the risk of the kids growing attached to someone who eventually leaves because the relationship was not strong enough to begin with.鈥�

9. Name any challenges up front.

Once you plan to introduce a new partner to your kids, be honest about your children鈥檚 habits and personalities. 鈥淚f there are any problems brewing (acting out, poor school performance, and so on), state them clearly,鈥� says Coleman.

After all, if this person becomes a more permanent fixture in your and your children鈥檚 lives, they鈥檒l take on an authoritative role with your children, which means you both need to be on the same page about the struggles the children are facing and how you as their parent choose to discipline them. That way, the new partner can follow those boundaries.

10. Never, ever settle!

One more time in case you were distracted: DON'T SETTLE. 鈥淵ou're not less desirable because you are older or have children,鈥� says Coleman. 鈥淎 mature person won鈥檛 let those things interfere with really getting to know you and perhaps fall in love.鈥�

This starts on date one with a potential new partner. Remember those behaviors you would let roll off your back when dating as a 20-something, like a date picking you up late or constantly checking their phone at the dinner table? Those shouldn鈥檛 fly as a single parent.

鈥淚f somebody doesn鈥檛 respect you, I think that鈥檚 an absolute big red flag, and it鈥檚 likely not going to change,鈥� says Laino. Look for things early on that signal disrespect, like showing up late, telling you how to parent your kids or not listening to you while you speak.

Bottom line: Like dating during any other part of your life, dating as a single parent will have its ups and downs.

When you do meet someone great, it still won鈥檛 be perfect 鈥� and that鈥檚 OK.

鈥淚t typically takes a long time for kids to get in sync with you and a new partner,鈥� says Parrott. The road might feel bumpy at first, but once you do find balance, it will absolutely feel worth it 鈥� for both you and your family.