How will family divides over vaccination status affect Thanksgiving gatherings?
Video above: How safe is it to host Thanksgiving and other holiday gatherings this year?
Thanksgiving is Jonatan Mitchell's favorite holiday, usually spent with his wife co-hosting up to 20 loved ones. He鈥檇 been looking forward to the gathering this year after calling it off in 2020 due to the pandemic, but one of the most pressing issues of the times got in the way: Who鈥檚 vaccinated and who鈥檚 not?
Mitchell, 35, in Coon Rapids, Minnesota, has a rare neurological disorder called Kleine-Levin Syndrome and a smattering of related health issues that leave him at high risk should he contract COVID-19. Two relatives 鈥� his father-in-law and a brother-in-law 鈥� won't get vaccinated.
Rather than laying down an ultimatum doomed to fail, the Mitchells called off Thanksgiving, choosing instead to host a Friendsgiving the following day. Mitchell's vaccinated wife will catch up with her family on Thursday.
The situation, which Mitchell said is upsetting and frustrating, resonates with many families navigating the vaccination divide for the holidays. Thanksgiving is a bellwether for how the rest of the season will go among those facing family conflict over the shot.
鈥淭his is a line in the sand I'm willing to draw with others,鈥� Mitchell said of the choice not to confront his unvaccinated relatives. 鈥淚've cut off a handful of friends and acquaintances that are staunchly anti-vaccine, but you can't do that with family.鈥�
That sentiment, echoed by others, points to a transition in the pandemic from abject fear over public safety to a more long-term and intimate reshaping of social norms, said Karla Erickson, a professor of sociology at Grinnell College.
鈥淔amilies often kind of mute conflicts and, because we paused in a way that鈥檚 really rare for families, the restarting of ritual gives us a moment to reconsider things,鈥� she said. 鈥淭here will be new hesitancy. A lot of people who are vaccinated might not be willing to go to an event where the host hasn't asked or doesn't know.鈥�
Carrie Verrocchio, 55, in Binghamton, New York, is a long-haul COVID-19 survivor still struggling with a loss of taste and smell 10 months after testing positive. She's hosting about 11 for Thanksgiving. Five are unvaccinated. All have been informed, she said.
鈥淵ou just want people to be happy and be together, and it feels like there is constant friction. No matter what we do, there鈥檚 constant friction these days,鈥� said Verrocchio, who took the vaccination after contracting the virus. 鈥淲e're handling it by letting everyone make their own decisions. It isn't ideal, but it is a plan.鈥�
Lizzie Post is the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post. Her famous relative wrote her first book, 鈥淓tiquette,鈥� in 1922, not long after the Spanish flu took its deadly toll. Emily made no mention of how to navigate such a threat in that first edition, but the subject today is hard for her etiquette standard bearers to ignore.
鈥淚t's a really delicate subject, and it's not going to go well for everybody,鈥� said Post, who is co-president of the Emily Post Institute, host of the Awesome Etiquette podcast, and author and co-author of several books on etiquette.
鈥淎 lot of us have gotten used to general entertaining since vaccinations have been in play. That means we actually have experience with it and we know where our standards are for ourselves. But there are some really good reasons to back off and say, you know, maybe the big family thing isn鈥檛 worth it if it鈥檚 going to be so fraught," she said.
The avoidance of fraught is exactly the approach Eva Keller and her husband are taking for Thanksgiving. He has been vaccinated. She has contracted COVID-19 twice and has no plans to get the shot. There was no talk of Thanksgiving with her husband's kin.
鈥淢y husband's family has made it clear that I'm not allowed inside any of their homes until I'm fully vaccinated,鈥� said Keller, 27, in Anaheim, California. 鈥淢y husband only got vaccinated because of his parents insisting. He was concerned his mother would worry herself to death if he didn't.鈥�
The two will spend Thanksgiving at home together.
Erickson sees other pandemic strands at play heading into the holiday season.
鈥淭here are also questions," she said, "like how did this person or this family navigate the pandemic more generally? Do we share values about what this last year has meant for our families? Did we stay in touch? Have we reconnected enough to share the holiday?鈥�
August Abbott answers etiquette questions at JustAnswer.com, a help line that has just over 10 million unique monthly visitors. Of late, she has been responding to a barrage of questions about holiday gatherings and vaccinations. Among them: Is it rude to ask for a guest's vaccination status? Can I disinvite somebody who isn't vaccinated?
鈥淚t's kind of like Typhoid Mary. Do you invite her to dinner knowing she鈥檚 Typhoid Mary, or do you explain to Mary, 'I鈥檓 sorry, we can鈥檛 take a chance. We love you, but we can鈥檛 take that chance.' That鈥檚 what you鈥檝e got to do with unvaccinated people when it comes to COVID, most especially if someone in your household is elderly or immunocompromised. This is just a matter of health and respecting each other, not political,鈥� she said.
Tone, Abbott said, is everything.
鈥淪o it鈥檚 not unreasonable to say to Uncle Jack, you know, you haven鈥檛 been vaccinated. That鈥檚 your prerogative. I respect that. I love you. We can鈥檛 take the chance. So, Uncle Jack, do you want to come to this dinner via video? There are options like that, but you can鈥檛 jeopardize health to be polite," she said.
Frederick Brushaber, 36, in Cincinnati will be gathering for Thanksgiving with 13 family members at his mother's house in Knoxville, Tennessee. The group includes his husband and their 15-month-old son, Freddie, who has Down syndrome, which puts him at higher risk for complications should he catch COVID.
Brushaber's 88-year-old grandmother, who lost her husband this year, was supposed to be driving from Florida to Knoxville with an aunt and uncle. They're not vaccinated. They won't be coming after his mother had the Thanksgiving vaccination talk with them. That means grandma must board a plane alone for the first time without her husband.
鈥淚'm not thrilled about that but I鈥檓 just happy I get to be the winner of this,鈥� he said. 鈥淚 get to have grandma and Freddie be there and I won鈥檛 have to worry about anything. The numbers for people with Down syndrome are really bad. I just wish people knew that like, yeah, you have a choice to do things, but some of the most vulnerable people don鈥檛 have a choice.鈥�
